So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
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Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
The Friday File.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+