It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
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I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
I’m Sold!
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this