Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.

I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.

I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.

Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.

You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE

I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.

At my job interview today the Boss said,

“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”

So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”

added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.

if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape

Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.

ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids

Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord

Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.

This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:

Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?

Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.

Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed

No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.

microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold

me: what if you cooked it just right

microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks

on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours

person i just met reaches out for hand shake

me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.

Me: Do you have any dreams?

Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…

Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT

Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.

Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.

Become a minion. Get that bread.

ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol

Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-

Why my cw hates me