buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
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imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
reminder
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.