Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
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If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Based Erika
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?