aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
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It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”