Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
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sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Still a very good boi….
I’m being attacked 😭
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.