How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
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Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
wtf is a larm clock?
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.