OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
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Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Tell me you get it…🤣
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin: