Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
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friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂