Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
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No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
even bears disappoint their mothers
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?