You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
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Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
What personal space?
My dog
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”