HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
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me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.