My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
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“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Raisins are grape jerky.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
October already? What’s next? November????
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant