Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
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I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.