I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
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The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?