Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
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Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
this will hang in the louvre one day
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
⚠️ Important Reminder:
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me: