[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
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HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.