Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
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The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?