Boy never ceases to amaze me
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god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
The funk soul brother
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators