Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
You Might Also Like
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Aight bet
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.