My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
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*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Remember folks 😂
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”