My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
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app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?