Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
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I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.