When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
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People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Heroic Misunderstanding
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
The Backseat Boys
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful