Safety first
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My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
are they though??
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?