In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
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I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
why he move like a hotel transylvania character