“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
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The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.