Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
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Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’