Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
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*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty