My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
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im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava