I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
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My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps