Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
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Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
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If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
so, is there a mister shapen head
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”