1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
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in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
hmm conte-me mais
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.