I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
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“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.