ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
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HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Venn
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
opening twitter today
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance