my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
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“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.