I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
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WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.