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gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.