Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
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Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here