Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
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The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.