Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
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one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?