Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
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40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Become ungovernable.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.