My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
You Might Also Like
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
i meant to share this earlier
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*