#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
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Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
A game married people play.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
The game has officially changed 😎
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.