My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
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Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Put the is in disheveled
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth