Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
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I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
I’ve had relationships like this
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
life finds a way
HELP 😭
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.