Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
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So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.