Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
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My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Good dog. ❤️
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.