The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
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*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
What number SPF blocks people?
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.